“Andy” & “Pete”

As I insist, I’m OK, just as long as they don’t call me “ Dick.” Any prophylactic against that! I’ve answered cheerfully to “Dick” from only three men whom I’ve never had the temerity to gainsay: Kenneth P Bailey, Bert van Uitert, and Gus Manderino. All gone now, alas; more about them elsewhere: follow the links, already.

I’m given to understand that my Grandpa Francis Emmanuel (at least sometimes “Andy”) Anderson of Ephraim, Sanpete County, Utah, used to tell the following tale to appreciative audiences. It illustrates, as well as anything I’ve heard, the Scandinavian patronymic phenomenon, as rural Utah has realized it: (Full disclosure: I may have embroidered it a bit, over the years. Hard to tell… Seems that ol’ “Andy”’s great-great-uncle Einar Pedersen lived in the Danish-immigrant community of Ephraim, Utah, in the late 1800s. As a Pedersen, he was known, of course, as “Pete” Pedersen. But so was his brother Hjalmar “Pete” Pedersen. And all sorts of fathers and sons, uncles and cousins. To distinguish the two brothers, inasmuch as Einar was the local bishop, they double-nicknamed him “Sneaky Pete” Pedersen; Hjalmar, bein’ the town drunk, was “Holy Pete.” Story goes that Bishop Sneaky Pete gets tired of his brother Holy Pete snorin’ in meetin’. So he figgers he’ll fix him. Next Sunday, half-way through the service, Sneaky Pete looks down and sees Holy Pete, shore ’nuff, sawin' mesquite stumps in the seventh pew. So he says, “Bruders ’n’ sesters, ay vants doze of y’ as vants to go to de Ceelestial Kinkdom, vare de streets is paved vit golt, and vare dere’s yoy an’ reyoicin’ forevermore, to [very softly] stand up.” So everybody stands up, except, of course, Holy Pete.

“OK, y’ can sit down. Now, dose of y’ as vants to go to Ouder Daarkness, vare dere’s a-veepin’ and a-vailin’ and a-kanashin’ o’ d’ teet’, STAND UP!” So Holy Pete Pedersen yerks hisself to his feet and kinda looks around, while everybody snickers. Decorously. Then he looks up at the pulpit, where his brother is struggling with his own dequorum, and says, “Vell, now, bruder Bishop Sneaky Pete Pedersen, dear. Ay don’t rightly know vat it is ve’re wotin’ on, but it do ’pear you and me’s the only ones fer it!”

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